the hardest post i've ever written

I have been putting off posting because I wanted to post about something that has proven to be super difficult for me. I have started this post countless times and just couldn't get through it.

its been a while, I just have to force myself to sit here and type this.
I want to do it, but it is definitely a struggle.

I lost my princess.
I have had and loved Kobe for most of my independent adult life.
she was the best cat I have ever encountered and I will miss her forever.

she was getting old.
I knew this.
I knew she couldn't live forever... as much as I would have loved for her to.

one sunday evening out of nowhere she was acting strange. hiding in weird spots and would not eat anything. I knew something was wrong.
Monday I took her to the vet. she was examined and other than being very senior and slightly dehydrated there was nothing visibly wrong with her. so blood tests were next on the agenda.
I took her home and awaited the results.
a couple hours later the phone rang.
early stages of kidney failure.
could be treatable but due to her age she would be unlikely to respond well to any of the possible treatments.
we tried giving her fluids. just incase.
she made it through the night
I wasn't sure she would.
I spent the majority of the night in the bathtub with her praying that she would either pass quietly in her sleep or show some sign of improvement.
no improvement.
the vet called to check up on her Tuesday morning.
she hadn't eaten anything since sunday morning.
I knew it was the end.
I had to make the hardest decision I think I've ever made in my life.
I didn't want my poor princess to suffer through the last bit of her life so I called the vet and made the appointment for that morning to take her in and have her put to sleep.
when I got there I took her in and they took me into a nice little room and I sat there sobbing. holding her and telling her how much I loved her.
they got her ready and brought her back to me.
the staff there were amazing.
I held her as she passed.

I put her in her bed with her favorite toy all cuddled up like how she used to sleep. she looked like she was sleeping. except I knew this time she would never wake up.
I couldn't stop crying.
I had made her a "casket" from a box that I wrapped up in pretty black paper and I left the clinic and took my princess to her final resting place with the rest of our well loved pets in the cemetery we have at the farm.

I think I cried more than I have ever cried in my life.
I never thought it would be SO hard losing a pet.

coming home without her was insanely difficult. everything reminded me of her. I cried and cried and cried.

I am thankful for the amazing staff at the vet clinic who went out of their way to try and comfort me.

I am more than thankful for all of the amazing time I had with kobe. she was my rock. she got me through so much.

she was close to 20 years old and for a little cat she lived a long and happy life but I will forever miss her and never forget her.